Month: October 2025

Building Better Boundaries Foster Connections

By Mark A. & Laura M.

Building Better Boundaries Foster Connection 

Mark A & Laura M

Ground Zero for ACA’s

Laundry List – 14 Traits that describe the effects of being raised in an unhealthy family.  (See list in BRB page x). 

Trait 14 – states that para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors. This trait involves stored chronic fear and distorted thinking acquired from growing up in dysfunction. It is the precursor to codependency in adulthood.

Codependency – many definitions.  BRB page 335.  Symptoms – feel like a victim, controlling behavior, passive-aggressiveness, lying, anger, apathy, denying feelings. Often involves placing the needs and wishes of others before our own, denying ourselves. In essence, living out a dependency on other people (vs. a drug). 

Pia Mellody – Facing Codependence, page 4, states that –  Codependents have difficulty:

  1. Experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem
  2. Setting functional boundaries
  3. Owning and expressing their own reality (even knowing)
  4. Taking care of (adult) needs and wants, (as a functional adult, vs. acting as a victim, manipulation and control)
  5. Experiencing and expressing their reality moderately

How do we know when boundaries are being violated?

Examples of Violating Another’s (Internal) Boundary

  • Emotional abuse
  • Discounting another’s reality
  • Shaming or humiliating
  • Raging:  yelling, screaming, cursing
  • Blaming, judging, criticizing
  • Ridiculing, belittling, name calling
  • Interrogating, accusing
  • Lying, deceiving, betraying
  • Sarcasm/passive aggressive behavior
  • Teasing, joking about or laughing at
  • Violating a confidence
  • Patronizing, going 1 up
  • Asking personal questions ($, religion)
  • Giving unsolicited advice
  • Attempting to control or manipulate
  • Indicate a person is worthless – by word or deed
  • Interrupting when someone else is talking
  • Breaking a commitment for no reason

Signs of Damaged a (Internal) Boundary

  • Allowing others to define you/your reality
  • Answering for another person
  • Needing to explain your decisions/behavior
  • Accepting blame for another’s feelings
  • Assuming you can mindread
  • Accepting authority unquestioningly
  • Believing anyone/everyone (naïve)
  • Allowing others to direct your life
  • Expecting others to anticipate and fulfill your wants/needs
  • Answering personal questions ($, religion)

More Signs of Unhealthy (Internal) Boundaries

  • Telling all; disclosing intimate details to someone you don’t know well
  • Falling in love or preoccupied with thoughts (fantasy) with a new acquaintance or anyone who reaches out or is kind
  • Putting your wants and needs last to care for others/people pleasing
  • Can’t identify or unable to ask for wants & needs
  • Unaware when others are inappropriate or violating your boundaries
  • Unable to set or maintain boundaries/consequences
  • Allowing others to take as much as they can from you
  • Taking as much as you can get/Entitlement/They owe me
  • Over giving to gain the respect of others/Feel saintly
  • Playing the victim/falling apart so someone will take care of you

Calming the Nervous System

  • When our boundaries have been violated, we are often triggered/our nervous system is hijacked, chemicals flood our system, emotions, flushing, shallow breathing.
  • When evaluating if we need to take action/set a boundary, or preparing to set a boundary, we need to be calm. 
  • Resource (therapist, friend, fellow traveler).
  • Breathing Exercise

Personal Boundaries – 2  components

External – protects and contains the body
Internal  – in general protects and contains thoughts and emotions

Definition:  A system of limit setting that protects a person from being a victim (which is an act of self-esteem),  and contains a person so that he/she is not offensive to others (respectful)

Purpose:  To contain and protect your reality (your body, thoughts, emotions, behavior) and to establish identity (what are my opinions, values etc.)

Internal Boundaries – 2  components

  • Talking Boundary – provides containment (protects others)
  • Listening Boundary – provides protection 

Talking Boundaries

  • Speak to be known – NOT to control or manipulate
  • Remind yourself not to blame
  • Regulate your emotions as you speak (breathwork)
  • State what happened
  • State your thoughts about what happened
  • State your emotions about what happened
  • If appropriate, state how you would prefer things to be, this may lead to negotiation.

Listening Boundaries

  • Listen to learn and understand –  NOT to formulate your defense
  • Remind yourself not to take the blame
  • Regulate your emotions as you listen (breathwork), notice the emotions of the person speaking
  • Protect yourself by determining if what is being said is “true”, “not true”, “questionable”, or a boundary violation. 
  • If what you are hearing is true, open your boundary and take it in, have feelings about it. (pain, anger, shame, guilt, fear etc.)
  • If what you are hearing is not true, work at keeping your boundary closed. If you let it in you may notice feelings. Try not to attach to the feelings, actively work to push them out, “this is not about me”.  
  • If what you are hearing is questionable, when the person is finished talking, ask for data you need to decide if it is true or not true (for you). Ask for clarification, without complaining, blaming or explaining.  
  • If you are experiencing a boundary violation, stand up for yourself, confront the violation.
  • Evaluate and determine if negotiation is required.

Talking Boundary Format

SENSORY DATA

SAW, HEARD, SMELLED, TASTED, FELT

i.e.  “When I heard you say”

*****THOUGHT(S)*****

“What I make up about that is”

The story I write about that is

“What I believe about that is”

“What I think about that is”

EMOTIONS

ANGER FEAR JOY PASSION

SHAME PAIN LOVE GUILT

i.e.  “About that I’m feeling” OR

 “About that I made myself feel”

Listening Boundary Format

TRUE
I have the same perception, and about that I feel….

NOT TRUE
I have a different perception, would you like to hear what I think?

QUESTIONABLE
Can you give me more information regarding….

Demonstration

Setting Functional Boundaries Can Lead to Intimacy

  • When we learn to keep our boundaries healthy enough so that only that which is true about us can get in, we cannot be victimized. Confident in what we know to be the truth about ourselves, we stop blaming others for “making” us feel the way we do.  From Facing Codependence page XI.
  • Intimacy means that I can share myself with you and let you share yourself with me without either of us trying to change who I am or who you are. From Facing Codependence page 58.

Pair up and Practice

  • Practice a boundary you want to set in your own life
  • I overheard you say to Mom that you don’t want Thanksgiving to be at my house this year….
  • When you raised your voice to me the other day when saying xyz…
  • When you gave me the extra/unexpected project on Monday with a deadline of Wednesday….