Building Better Boundaries – Introduction

Anne K’s presentation “Building Better Boundaries: Introduction”. October 4, 2025, Fall SETXACA Intergroup Workshop.

When I started in ACA, I didn’t know what a “boundary” meant. It seemed like jargon. It turns out it’s standing up for myself, and not letting people walk all over me. It’s holding my own in a relationship. These are important skills. Boundaries are the art of making a safe place for myself in life, so it pays to spend some time building awareness of what we need and what we want. Boundaries are also the art of staying on my side of the street, and seeing that the other person stays on theirs. So we will spend a little time looking at things that pull me off my side of the street, and vice versa.

Why boundary work matters

To get right to the point, it is helpful to work on boundaries because:

1) Boundaries are a key life skill

2) Many of us had no healthy experience of them growing up

3) Boundary skills can be learned.

Overview

Before we work on boundaries themselves, we’ll look at why boundaries are a struggle. We will get specific about various trouble spots, along with information on ways to manage those trouble spots. Then we’ll move into recognizing when there’s a need to set boundaries and some practical prep work. Last, we will practice setting boundaries to build up our skills.

Why boundaries are hard for us

I find boundary work to be harder than some of the other recovery work that I do. It’s easy for me to blame myself, thinking “I am bad at this.” When I think like that, the only thing I’ve accomplished is to discourage myself. It’s more helpful to get some clarity about why it’s hard.

Problem Spot #1: Time, place, personalities

To get a feel for whether boundaries are harder, I’ll compare boundary work to some of the other recovery work that I do.

Let’s compare doing some recovery reading to setting boundaries, and look at which is harder – and why. When I do my recovery readings, I pick a time and place that works for me. I try to pick a quiet time and place where I have no distractions and can focus calmly with no rush. But when I set a boundary, I may not be able to pick a convenient time and place. Sometimes I can pick the time and place because I don’t have to address every problem at the exact time and place it happens. But if I do think it’s best to address the problem right away, then I can find myself needing to set a boundary anytime, anywhere.

I’ll compare boundaries to another recovery tool. If I make a recovery call, I call someone I trust. I have cherry-picked someone who is friendly and grounded and calm. It’s someone I feel safe talking to.

If I need to set a boundary, there’s a good chance it’s with someone I don’t feel safe talking to. I did not get to cherry-pick someone who is friendly and grounded and calm. There’s a strong chance I’m not dealing with the most reasonable person in the room. In fact it might be the angriest person in the room, or the most selfish, or the most triggered. Those are the worst cases. We are not always dealing with someone unreasonable. It may be simpler: maybe someone’s needs conflict with mine. So sometimes it can happen that I need to stand up for myself even when everyone is perfectly calm and reasonable. But a lot of times there is an unhealthy dynamic that cannot be avoided because it’s part of the problem, or possibly even the whole point. When we’re doing boundary work, there is no guarantee that we are dealing with someone who is easy to work with.

So boundaries don’t merely seem harder because I lack the practice or skill. Boundaries genuinely are more difficult pieces of recovery work. I’m not saying that to discourage anyone, but to explain why I’m going to spend some time looking at specific trouble spots. The goal of looking at the trouble spots is not to convince anyone that it’s hard. We already know that. The goal of focusing on the trouble spots is to take some of the mystery out of why it’s hard, take some of the self-blame out of the picture, and bring in some tools to help with the trouble spots.

Problem Spot #2: 4F Modes

Many people have heard of the 4F modes: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Those can come up when people see a threat, when the need for safety has become the top priority. People may even have a go-to mode, a certain 4F mode that is a personal default when there is danger. Speaking for myself, I often go into freeze mode.

If I am in one of those modes, something happens that I saw as a threat. It is likely that I need to stand up for myself. Being in 4F mode is a red flag that I probably need to do some boundary work to meet my need for safety.

But it may not be the best time to do the work. It is a problem to try to set boundaries when I’m in one of those 4F-modes. The human mind does not think clearly then. The emotions are unregulated, too. So I am not likely to set a healthy boundary when I am in one of those modes.

Problem spot: when we’re in 4F mode, there’s a gap between how much we need a boundary and whether we are able to do it well. The trick there is to pause and re-regulate and get out of 4F mode first. We’ll look at some strategies later. Right now we’re starting with awareness, recognizing that the 4F modes are a problem spot.

Problem Spot #3: Family of origin as role models

The next problem spot is the role models we had as children. I’m talking about parents or whoever the caregiver was, and how they let us know if we were over a line. The ACA recovery materials teach us to take a blameless inventory of our parents because in essence we had become them (that’s Step 4 in Tony A’s version of the steps). Taking that inventory is what we’re going to do next: How did our parents set boundaries?

We don’t generally plan to become like our parents but they were our role models. That sets our first idea of normal. (On a neighboring page in the printed version, there is the worksheet found in the workshop folders.) Those who want can take a quick inventory of how the parents set boundaries.

The inventory has three columns: 1) Who was setting the boundary, 2) how they set the boundary, and 3) what are some problems with that approach.

I’ll take a quick inventory of my family of origin here as an example:

Parent or caregiver	How they set boundaries	Problems with that approach
Rager, when raging	Yelling and hitting	• Not physically safe • Created fearful environment • Normalized controlling people through anger • Normalized lack of self-control / acting out on anger
Rager, when not raging	Mocking, sarcasm, insults	• Not emotionally safe • Normalized being mean • Normalized controlling people through criticism
Non-rager	Did not set boundaries	• Normalized not speaking up • Normalized being frightened of angry people • Modeled the “Don’t talk” rule

The reason why the program teaches me to take an inventory of my parents is because I can repeat the same patterns if I am not intentional about becoming who I want to be. It is easy for me to fall into the patterns I grew up with because they are already in my head. My parents’ mistakes are the most natural ones for me to repeat. So I need to know what those mistakes are.

So please take a moment to make notes on that worksheet about how boundaries looked in your own family of origin. You will need this inventory when we look at setting boundaries.

Inventory Of Family-Of-Origin Boundaries

Identify how your parents or caregivers set boundaries, using as many or as few lines as needed.

Parent or caregiver	How they set boundaries	Problems with that approach

This exercise builds awareness of which boundary problems are a risk to repeat because they seem normal.

Problem Spot #4: Childhood roles

In our recovery literature, we talk about four common childhood roles in dysfunctional families: the lost child, the hero, the scapegoat, and the mascot. Most people who grew up in dysfunctional homes adopted one or more of these roles. Those roles tend to follow us into adult life. The roles create specific problems for boundaries.

All of those childhood roles deny some of our basic human needs or some of our normal human emotions. And all of those roles set unhealthy expectations that can become a trap.

I’ll use the example of the lost child role, and break down some ways that role creates a problem for me with boundaries. (In the pdf version, the worksheet is on a neighboring page.)

1. What needs or feelings did I disown in that role? In this role, I’m supposed to stay quiet. If I had feelings that would make me visible I would try to tune them out (happy, sad, angry, etc.). As far as human needs go, in this role, I’m not supposed to need company. It’s not that I didn’t have the normal human feelings and needs, but I didn’t acknowledge them which caused me some numbness problems. (On the worksheet take a moment and jot down notes for a role of your own: In this role, what am I not supposed to feel, or need or want?)

2. What expectations went with the role? As a child, I took on the expectation that I can stay quiet and I will be no trouble at all. I set that expectation that I’d rather be by myself because that was safest in my family of origin. (On the worksheet, take a moment and jot down notes for a role of your own: In this role, what expectations are not realistic?)

3. Now that I can see this role is a trap: How do I get out of that trap? In recovery, I need to be able to detach from that role. What can I say to speak up for myself? As a lost child I might say, “I can’t be out-of-sight, out-of-mind today.” Or “I want someone to care how my day was.”

There’s also a spot for finding the words to speak up for ourselves. I spoke up for the lost child before. I’ll give examples for all the common roles here:

• The lost child might say: I can’t be “out of sight, out of mind” today. I need a friendly face. • The hero might say: I can’t take the lead today, I’m struggling.

• The mascot might say: I can’t be the morale officer today, I’m dealing with something. • The scapegoat might say: I can’t take the blame today. This one’s not my fault.

Or: It may be my fault, and the scapegoat might say: That’s too harsh. I made a mess so I’ll clean it up. There’s no need to be insulting. I won’t have my character attacked.

On this worksheet, there’s a tie-in to Loving Parent work. In recovery, we’re working to become our own loving parents. It’s the loving parent’s job to notice how we feel and be there for us, to notice our needs and to get those needs met, to stand up for us as needed. That’s what we’re doing here. We are noticing our needs that maybe aren’t being met and committing to stand up.

When I was doing this exercise, the lost child in me really woke up and found a voice. That lost child in me wanted a commitment that I would notice my own needs, take care of them, and stand up. It’s right here on the page in black and white, my inner child has explained what I need and what I want and what is frustrating about that role. My inner child wants to hold me accountable to show up for myself. When I show up for myself, that’s loving parent work.

Family Roles And Boundaries

Please take notes on any family roles that you may have adopted.

Lost Child

In this role, which needs/feelings are disowned ____________________________________ In this role, which expectations are not realistic? ___________________________________ What can I say to speak up for myself? __________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________

Family Hero

Scapegoat

Mascot

Problem Spot #5: Traits of adult children from dysfunctional homes

The last problem spot I want to highlight is the list of Fourteen Traits of an Adult Child, the Laundry List. (It is included on a neighboring page in the pdf.)

In the Laundry List, there is only one trait that talks specifically about trouble setting boundaries, which is Trait 7: “We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves rather than giving in to others.” That obviously interferes with setting boundaries: it affects whether I speak up when there is a problem.

But other traits create boundary problems too. Consider Trait 10: “We have ‘stuffed’ our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).” This trait describes how I have trouble accessing my feelings and expressing my feelings. When I want to set a boundary, it is necessary to be able to feel my feelings, identify them, and express them. This trait causes me to have trouble identifying when I need a boundary, and to have trouble speaking up for it. If I am emotionally tuned out, I may not notice when there is a problem. So this trait also makes it harder for me to set healthy boundaries.

For another example, let’s look at Trait 9: “We confuse love and pity and tend to ‘love’ people we can ‘pity’ and ‘rescue.'” This trait describes a tendency toward relationships that are defined by bad boundaries. This trait draws me into problem situations that are guaranteed to have boundary problems.

And there are still other traits that describe distancing myself from normal human needs like the need for human connection or the need for safety. Distancing myself from normal human needs can make it hard to speak up for my needs.

So different traits interfere with good boundaries from different angles. Some traits affect whether I notice when there is a problem. Some traits affect whether I speak up when there is a problem. And some traits directly pull me into a problem.

When I started working on this presentation, the next time I heard the Laundry List I was amazed at how many of the traits related to boundaries. Now, when I read the Laundry List, I hear, “I’m uneasy so I don’t set boundaries.” “I’m an approval seeker so I don’t set boundaries,” “I’m frightened so I don’t set boundaries,” and so on. Many of these traits — most of them — are about the different ways people have trouble in a relationship.

Look through the Fourteen Traits, and if you want then place a check next to each trait to flag whether that trait has come up for you and has created boundary trouble. Later, feel free to revisit the Laundry List to identify the specific ways in which different traits are causing trouble: which traits affect whether we notice problems, whether we address problems, or whether the trait directly draws us into a problem.

The Laundry List: 14 Traits of Adult Children

Identify which traits create issues with boundaries.

Trait of an Adult Child	Boundary Issue?
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease, and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even if we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

Later, if you wish, you can identify:

• Which traits make it harder for us to identify what we want, need, or feel? • Which traits make it harder to advocate for ourselves?

• Which traits draw us into problem situations where there is a risk to our needs, wants, or safety?

How do I know when I need to set a boundary? (In the workshop, this was done as a call for input from participants. Things that came up were:)

1) I’m in one of the 4F modes (fight, flight, freeze, fawn)

2) I can feel the adrenaline spike or the upset

3) I’m breathing fast and shallow

4) My schedule is overcrowded

5) I’m having the same problem today that I had before, with the same people

Drama Triangle boundaries

Next we’ll look at different kinds of boundaries we may need during a conflict. We’ll be using a tool called the Drama Triangle:

The Drama Triangle is a model showing the 3 main roles people tend to take in a conflict: the persecutor or perpetrator who looks like the threat to safety, the victim who is the target or needs help, and the rescuer who tries to help.

I want to talk about the drama triangle because it reminds me that the problem isn’t always coming from the obvious place. I expect to need a boundary with the perpetrator. If people seem angry, I am watching to see if they cross a line. If people come to me seeming helpless or helpful, I may not recognize when they’re over a line.

1. The persecutor is the aggressor, so we can see the need for a boundary. My boundary for the aggressor is usually some version of “Stop that” or “Back off”.

2. What about the victim? Do I really need boundaries against victims? It depends. If I am seeking out people I can pity and rescue, then I need to work on myself. But someone in the victim role can be crossing a line. A victim may try to shift responsibility to me that isn’t mine. Or they may have an expectation that because of their situation they should get whatever they ask, and that asking creates a responsibility for someone else. That’s not always realistic, or possible, or healthy. So we may need a boundary. For a victim, there are boundary options that respond with compassion for the problem without adopting the responsibility for solving it. Some examples are, “I’m so sorry you’re going through that. Do you want some suggestions on what you could do, or would you just like to be heard?” or “I’m not comfortable being involved in that.”

3. The rescuer may try to help people who aren’t looking for help. It can send the message that the other person isn’t seen as a capable adult. The rescuer may cause us to need a boundary to keep out the interference. With a rescuer, my boundary is usually some version of “I’ve got this.” I’d encourage you to use the worksheet to find your own way of speaking up for yourself. (In the pdf, the worksheet is on a neighboring page.)

Worksheet on the Drama Triangle Roles

When talking to a Persecutor:

• Why I might need a boundary: ________________________________________________ • What I might say to set a boundary: ____________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ When talking to a Victim:

Building a boundary

Self-compassion and starter goals

When people are learning to set boundaries, like anything new, it’s expected to make mistakes. If I think about what’s happening at the time I need to set a boundary, there’s usually some sort of problem happening right then, and I’m probably upset right then. I have some adrenaline going, I may be in my favorite 4F mode. It takes some practice to find that constructive thing to say. It may take a pause to buy myself some time.

My starter goal is just to stay out of the pitfalls. For me, the pitfalls are the ones I identified when I took that inventory of my parents’ boundary styles. For me: I don’t want to mock or use sarcasm, I don’t want to be insulting. Starter goals might include: I don’t want to shout. I don’t want to be manipulative. And I don’t want to fail to speak up. Whenever I move forward from what I was taught growing up, that’s progress.

Giving ourselves some grace is important. We’re human. We make mistakes routinely. We make even more mistakes when we’re learning. The earlier tries at standing up for ourselves will likely be awkward, and it does get easier with practice.

Buying ourselves time to pause

Sometimes I may need to set a boundary when I’m not as level-headed as I wish. Maybe I can feel the anger trying to come out, or I can feel I’m in one of the 4F modes. If I’m in a fight I’m likely to say too much, or say it too aggressively, and end up escalating the problem. If I’m in flight or freeze or fawn I’m likely to say too little or nothing. Or worse, I might send the message that the problem is really ok with me, and set myself up for more trouble, which can be harder to get out of if I already said it was ok.

I know I need to reset but I may not want to leave the situation without saying there was a problem here. Sometimes I don’t want to leave when the other person may be thinking, “Well, they didn’t say anything.” If I don’t say anything that can send the wrong message.

Here’s my experience on how to navigate that: I take two steps:

1. put down a marker that there was a problem and

2. say I want to talk later.

I say something along these lines: “I’d like to talk about this next time we see each other.” Or “I’m not okay with this, and I’ll be following up.”

The two steps are there, where I had to set two boundaries at the same time. I spoke up to call out the problem, and I spoke up to buy myself some time, all in the same breath. Boundaries can be tricky. But if I memorize a couple phrases, or hold onto the general idea that I need to do both, it helps.

Things to do during the pause

Pausing matters. In the ACA program’s list of Fourteen Traits of people from dysfunctional families

(Laundry List), the very last trait is that we are reactors rather than actors. If someone pushes my buttons and I react without thinking first, the results are not likely to be what I want. The difference between being a reactor and being an actor, for me, is about 10 seconds and a great big breath. So it is worth it to me to take that breath and collect myself, so I can be my true self instead of just reacting.

If I’m particularly upset and a quick pause isn’t enough, that’s a great time to pull out those recovery tools:

• call a fellow traveler

• go to a meeting

• pray

• meditate

• journal

• read some recovery literature

I want to speak up when I’m calm instead of when I’m in emotional turmoil, whenever possible. And it’s usually possible.

If I find myself avoiding or dissociating or ruminating, it’s probably because I’m stuck in the pause. Those are also good times for me to bring out my recovery toolbox.

Actually setting the boundary

(During the workshop we practiced setting boundaries with the card game “Meet The Challenge”.)

Follow the links, below to read all three:____________________